The wisdom of fools...

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It's April 1st! We have finally surmounted the crest of the wintry hill and are tumbling ever-quicker down the hillside of spring into the valley of summer.

Aside from that being the floweriest sentence I've ever written (notwithstanding the use of the slightly suspect 'floweriest' as a word), I am in a remarkably good mood.

My optimism and general enthusiasm with the world has come out of its winter hibernation. Daylight Savings Time is evil. Long live British Summer Time! Twilight no longer happens at half past three in the afternoon while we are all still squirrelling away at our computer screens, but now rather casts its crepuscular hues on the journey home, making everything seem that much more worthwhile.

So what better to complement this groundswell of good-will than the annual tradition of the April Fools article? Once a year, on the first day of April, each newspaper is at liberty to print one completely false, utterly nonsensical, and horrendously libellous (or at least mildly untrue) article to catch the readers out. And I think I've discovered them.

Let us start with the Guardian. They have quite a scoop today with news that Gordon Brown is to employ the glamorous Carla Bruni-Sarkozy as a style guru for the British public. Our fashion, cuisine and even sex-lives are to be spiced up by the woman who's fashion-sense, photogenic breasts and hobbit-like husband captured the nation last week.

Talking of Bilbo Sarkozy, the Sun has broken the shocking news that the diminutive French president is to undergo pioneering surgery to stretch him by five inches. The Sun kindly include a diagramatic explanation of the rack on which le dwarf présidentiel will be placed to achieve his miraculous growth.

One thing that won't be growing, however, is Gordon Ramsay's chain of restaurants, not if the Australian decency board has anything to say about it. The foul-mouthed gastronome will be devastated by news in the Independent that Australia has rejected his attempts to open a restaurant in Sydney, and has consequently installed clandestine microphones in his restaurant to enforce his new ban on swearing in his posh eateries.

Posh, Alistair Darling ain't. The Daily Mail's picture exclusive reveals that the Chancellor slips into his local newsagent for a crafty flutter on the old scratchcards. Downing Street has refused to confirm whether any winnings would be funnelled into paying off the national debt... Incidentally, the credit for the photograph on the right is given to the eagle-eyed Rolf Loipa (if you can't work it out, go and lie down in a darkened room immediately).

The Telegraph, the BBC and the Daily Mirror form an unlikely triumverate in their breaking of the remarkable news that penguins can fly. Not only that, but they even migrate to the Amazonian rainforests of Brazil to follow the summer sun. Terry Jones (well known as presenter of ornithological documentary Monty Python's Flying Circus) even shows us footage of the incredible example of an evolutionary miracle.

Talking of miracles, technology has created its own this week, as the Times reports on a new device called Sniff. This device uses Facebook-empowered mobile phones to allow people to pinpoint the exact location or a loved one, allowing you to be a paranoid snooping spouse from the comfort of your couch. And guess what...this story is true! Not a spoof in sight in the Times today.

The Daily Star replaced breasts with pecs today, in revealing that James Bond star Daniel Craig could be bisexual. Whether this will disappoint straight women, excite gay men, or just land the Daily Star in court (again), remains to be seen.

As for the Daily Express, its strapline of "The World's Greatest Newspaper" makes you wonder if the entire publication is a ruse. Although, considering the Daily Express's reputation, the headline "Diana: It was not murder" is probably also taken as a big joke by its readership. Ultimately, however, readers would have been most concerned by news that the Big Ben clock is to be replaced by a digital display, shock horror. Actually, it's neither shocking nor horrifying, as they've done the exact same spoof once before.

I was unable to identify the joke article in the Financial Times, but then I probably wouldn't understand it if I did find it. "UBS faced with fresh large-scale writedown" Hahahaha. Er...

Anyway, each newspaper prints only one fake article. This therefore means that it is true that a UFO has been spotted off the coast of Bristol, as reported in the Sun, and it is also true that Nick Clegg has been revealing his sexual prowess (or lack thereof) to GQ magazine, as reported in the Guardian.

It's a funny old newspapery world out there. Who knows what other balderdash, stuff and nonsense is printed throughout the rest of the year, but for at least one day a year, the papers admit they're pulling the wool over our eyes and we all have a big warm fuzzy laugh together...until April 2nd, that is.

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