Particle physicists are not used to the limelight, but the seemingly imminent discovery of the Higgs “God particle” boson has thrust them – and their very particular sense of humour – into centre stage.
Here are some of the best quantum physics jokes and why they are (honestly) funny:
A Higgs boson goes into a church on Christmas Eve, but the vicar says: “Sorry, we don’t allow Higgs bosons into our service.” The Higgs boson replies: “But how else are you going to have Mass?”
This is hilarious on several levels (mainly quantum and electromagnetic). Theorists predict that the Higgs boson is what creates mass in the Universe. Particles are prevented from zipping around the Universe at the speed of light because they interact with a field of Higgs bosons, which effectively crowd around particles and slow them down, like wading through treacle or paparazzi photographers crowding around a celebrity as they try to walk.
- “A neutrino”
- “Knock Knock”
- “Who’s there?”
Einstein’s Theory of Relativity is founded on the principle that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. However, a neutrino fired underground from Switzerland to Italy seemed to arrive a few billionths of a second quicker than predicted, suggesting that the neutrino had travelled faster than the speed of light.
Theoretical physicist Werner Heisenberg is out driving his car when he is pulled over by a policeman. “Do you know how fast you were going?” the policeman asks. To which Heisenberg replies: “No, but I know where I am.”
Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle suggests that there are certain pairings of physical properties – such as momentum and location – which cannot be simultaneously measured with any great degree of accuracy. The experiments needed to measure one would throw off the measurements of the other. How’s that for uncertainty?
[Telephone rings]
- “Hello, is that Schrödinger’s Cattery?”
- “Yes, how can we help?”
- “Is my cat ok?”
- “Um... Well, yes and no.”
“Schrödinger’s cat” is Erwin Schrödinger’s thought experiment which proposes locking a cat in a steel chamber with a vial of hydrocyanic acid. If even a single atom of the radioactive acid decays, the cat will die. If no atom decays, the cat survives. Since, according to quantum law, we cannot know for sure whether an atom will or will not decay (and since we cannot see inside the box) we must theoretically consider that cat to be simultaneously both dead and alive until we open the box to find out.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much a pint of beer costs. The bartender replies: “For you; no charge.”
Within an atom, protons are positively charged, electrons are negatively charged, neutrons are neutral and carry no charge, and physicists have too much time on their hands.
“Are you a fan of entropy?”
“Not really. Entropy just isn’t what it used to be.”
Entropy is a measure of disorder in the Universe. The second law of thermodynamics explains the notion of irreversibility in nature – the idea that processes in nature driven by convertible energy tend to progress in one direction and can’t be returned to their former state, like an ice cube melting in a glass of water as its molecules heat up (and thus become more disordered). Hahaha.
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